KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wa d of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde but I'm sure it isn't relevant
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' she cried.
''Honey, Put the Frosties back in the box!''
It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde.
"There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
She burped 7up.
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
lift, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F"?
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A: a shopping cart has a mind of its own.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A: Pregnant.
They are both empty from the neck up!
They drowned during spring training.
A: Her ankles
So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.
"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.
Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
"Eight," the girl replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for ?"
"Not exactly," the girl says. "But I saw on TV that if you use these you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now I can't do either."
A: Have another beer
Blondes & Cows are both so stupid, that's why god made them so tasty.!!!
"You put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it," she says. "But before they do, you pull your hand away."
"That is a cool trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it.
The next day she decides to try it out on another blonde friend.
"Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."
Q: Why did the mirror have six holes in it?
A: A blonde tried to shoot herself.
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
Random Jokes
THE BLIND MAN
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is a non-blonde and strikingly beautiful (lol). Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
A: First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then the suffering.
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved
off.
"Because," he said,"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."
"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
A chocolate baaaaaaa
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Strange
A: A stick
"But how?" asks Luke, astonished and concerned.
"Luke," replies the evil Emperor. "I can feel your presents..."
A: Snowballs
A: Roberto.
A: The cold shoulder
A: He had just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
A: To forget
*A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like
a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
**
Attention female readers** : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here
and continue feeling good.
**
Male readers** :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
**
Moral of the story** : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.**
**
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
**
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that
women never listen**...
now run along and put the kettle on, there's a
love.*
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,
"Cus you're ugly"
Which Is Worse,
Ignorance or Apathy ?
I don't know & I don't care
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.